I knew something had to be wrong when i saw that my mom was calling me at 2:13 in the middle of her school day. She was crying and I just knew. As soon as I heard the news My hands started shaking. There was that lump in my throat where I couldn’t swallow and I just wanted to vomit the contents of my stomach. I was able to type out an instant message to my boss letting her know and saying that I’d be taking the rest of the day off. Then what? I felt like I needed to go somewhere or do something but I couldn’t even think. I just sat in my car and cried. Sobbed. Wept. I felt faint. All this emotion was leaving my body but I couldn’t bring anything back in. I needed to breathe but I just couldn’t. I decided to drive to Jacob’s house and honestly that was not a wise decision  I was in no condition to be driving. I slowly drove down the LA freeways which are now a big part of my life and I couldn’t ring myself to accelerate. I’ve never felt faint before. I’ve always thought that “feeling faint” was something out of old literature that prissy girls would say in order to get attention. Well. Now I know that feeling is real. Since then I’ve felt other emotions. But what I’m feeling more that anything is the absence of feelings. A sense of numbness. Kinda like I’m in this haze. But then those moments that I start to feel again, it’s an intense pouring of all sorts of emotions. I don’t know which side I should embrace. I don’t know if I want to be around people or if I need solitude. I don’t know if I’ll be able to sleep tonight or if my tear soaked pillow will be a reminder of the loss I experienced today and will prevent me from getting rest.

  1. hmfischer said: I’m so sorry to hear this, Rachel! You and your family are in my prayers.