“I believe you will never find your life purpose if you’re not having fun or filling your life up with love. It’s common to think that your purpose will be something grand and groundbreaking, but it may not be. Maybe the reason you’re here is to be a really wonderful friend, maybe it’s to express yourself through dance, and perhaps it’s to inspire others. You don’t have to cure cancer to live a rich and fulfilling life.”—gala darling
“I’m not really into the internet, it just seems like a gossip column for people who have nothing else to do with their lives, but I’m sure they can turn it into something good eventually.”—Marilyn Manson, 1996
I keep thinking of subjects I might like to write about. And then I cowardly decide that I have no interest in exposing that part of my consciousness to the internets. And then I wonder what changed. I used to enjoy writing.
Now I type sentences and then delete them. And then re write them. And then google the words to insure I am using them correctly. I think my diction is correct, but even then maybe I’m coming off entirely too whiny? Yes whiny, that’s what this is. There are some things that I am just bad at. No matter how hard I try, or how much effort I put forth, I make no improvement. Spelling is one of those areas. I’m so thankful that I live in an age where spell check is most everywhere and I can conceal my flaws.
So while I’m just rambling on here I have to admit, initially in the above sentence I had typed whiney instead of whiny and I thought whiney looked odd and equestrian so I googled and realized my error.
Tomorrow I am going to do something I have never done before. With the help of my friend Jazz, we are going to bleach a chunk of my hair to as close to platinum as we can safely get, and then we will dye that chunk pastel violet. So I’m thinking now my return to tumblr makes sense. I am joining the ranks of all those who have tumbled before me. The mermaid tresses. The candy-colored ombre. The slightly rebellious yet oh so girly. Soon I will be one of them. They tell me the first there is an awkward middle stage where the hair is rendered an uninspired orange color before it can go completely white, so tomorrow I enter that phase.
I knew something had to be wrong when i saw that my mom was calling me at 2:13 in the middle of her school day. She was crying and I just knew. As soon as I heard the news My hands started shaking. There was that lump in my throat where I couldn’t swallow and I just wanted to vomit the contents of my stomach. I was able to type out an instant message to my boss letting her know and saying that I’d be taking the rest of the day off. Then what? I felt like I needed to go somewhere or do something but I couldn’t even think. I just sat in my car and cried. Sobbed. Wept. I felt faint. All this emotion was leaving my body but I couldn’t bring anything back in. I needed to breathe but I just couldn’t. I decided to drive to Jacob’s house and honestly that was not a wise decision I was in no condition to be driving. I slowly drove down the LA freeways which are now a big part of my life and I couldn’t ring myself to accelerate. I’ve never felt faint before. I’ve always thought that “feeling faint” was something out of old literature that prissy girls would say in order to get attention. Well. Now I know that feeling is real. Since then I’ve felt other emotions. But what I’m feeling more that anything is the absence of feelings. A sense of numbness. Kinda like I’m in this haze. But then those moments that I start to feel again, it’s an intense pouring of all sorts of emotions. I don’t know which side I should embrace. I don’t know if I want to be around people or if I need solitude. I don’t know if I’ll be able to sleep tonight or if my tear soaked pillow will be a reminder of the loss I experienced today and will prevent me from getting rest.
I’m going to do this about yesterday because that day is already complete.
12 midnight- game night at corinne’s parents house with some awesome friends.
2ish- people started to go home and we got a major urge to go to dennys. we decided that dennys was an irresponsible choice and we would go in the morn, but enoch and john really wanted breakfast foods so corinne cooked a total of 10 eggs for them. in adition to those 10 eggs i ate the white part of 2 hard boiled eggs and enoch ate the yellow part. then we all went to sleep around 3:30.
10:30 am- wake up time. brushed teeth but stayed in pjs for traditional post-sleepover trip to dennys.
i drove elena to dennys (top down of course) and we had a nice quick little chat on the way.
at denny’s they have a delicious new tropical pancake dish. its these macadamia nut pancakes with coconut topping and grilled pineapples. it was so good. like honestly i usually do not like the food there, it’s more just a cheap convenient place. but i legitimately liked the food and i want more.
then i drove home and let the dog out real quick and put on a swimsuit. then i drove to kristin’s hometown of ontario where she, justine, and i swam and sat by the pool for a few hours. it was simply wonderful. then we went to fast wok/quick wok/speedy wok… i don’t remember what it was called and had some chinese food.
then i drove back home and put laundry away and fed the dog and guneapig. then i washed my car because it was super dirty. then i got an email from my boss that i needed to fill out my time sheet but the internet at my house is broken and i haven’t been home long enough to care to fix it. but since this was for work i was going to head to starbucks to use their free internet.
then corinne invited me over for dinner so i just took my computer to her parents house and did my work there while jordan bbqed. after dinner we just chilled and talked about life and whatnot. i learned a lot about what it is that jordan does/wants to do as an engineer. we also talked a lot about next weekend and the details of my bday/the 4th of july, which we will be spending in balboa. then it was time to feed the animals/put them away for the night. geese are real scary. then i went back home
the gas light came home on the way home but i decided to wait until my lunch break today to deal with that. i got home and talked to my parents for a little bit about the weekend and then i got ready for bed around 10:30.
i read a chapter of tell all by chuck palahniuk and then i wanted to start watching season 2 of arrested development but when i opened the dvd cases all the dvds were missing. so then i decided to watch season 5 of the office. i fell asleep at the end of the first episode.
since i only get one person i am going to pick abby.
abby lived across the hall from me our freshman year at cbu 5 years ago. she was one of the first people i met when i moved in. she was also the person who told me i should sign up for facebook.
our freshman year we had lots of fun adventures. and spent a lot of time in each other’s rooms just talking late into the night. this picture is from when we bought henna and then had a little henna party in my dorm room.
abby only stayed at cbu for a year an a half and then she moved back to her homestate of minnesota. i miss her a lot. her parents live in az and in january 2009 jillian and i drove out to az while she was there visiting her parents for the holidays. (that’s when the 2nd picture was taken.)
it’s crazy to me that i haven’t seen abs for over 2 years! we were totally kindred spirits, one time i remember abby calling me her bossom buddy, like from anne of green gables.
abby is just a cool person. i wish i could do a better job describing her awesomeness, but i am just failing describing why it is that i love abby so much. but like honestly, i haven’t seen her in so long, and yet i still totally love her and consider her one of the best friends i have ever been blessed to have.
abby- i think about you a lot. lots of things remind me of you. we really should try to be in the same place sometime soon so that i can give you a hug.
“To me, I think about my duty is to praise God. I see it kind of like…I don’t know, it might sound stupid, but as an instrument of God. The best thing that a guitar can do when it’s on stage is just keep quiet until it’s played. If you set it down and it starts ringing, or buzzing, or crackling and making noise on it’s own, then it’s not being a good guitar. So I see it as my duty to just try and stay out of the way as much as I can and be an instrument where God can say something through me like a mouthpiece. I think that my duty is to lose my ego and my self and always try and say the truth. Which, obviously, the truth has been around a lot longer than any of my ideas, you know what I mean? I don’t know if that makes any sense.”—Aaron Weiss (via shouldofbeenafisherman)
this isn’t something that just came right to mind, i had to think about it a bit. honestly i still don’t know what my response is. so i am just rambling and hoping that i will think of something that i can respond with.
ok. i got it. i hate being asked my opinion on something if my opinion doesn’t really matter to you. if someone asks me what i think of something i am usually honest about my true feelings on the subject. and then when my opinons are ignored that really bothers me.
i hope that makes sense. because i had a really hard time articulating it.
1. i realized that when i switched around my tumblr appearance i forgot to update commenting capabilities. so now that is fixed. comment away!
2. i’m on the computer all day at work. when i come home i don’t want to sit on the computer for hours and hours. so blogging gets neglected.
3. i’m still part time at my job, but i work a lot. and i love it. mostly.
4. cbu did not prepare me for the real world. it seems like people in my industry are not nice. that is a very general statement. but it is mostly true. (except for the people i directly work with, they pretty much rock.)
5. i’m starting to think that life is a constant flow of hellos and goodbyes.
6. i have been reading a lot. right now im in the middle of the last book in the hunger game series.
7. this week was/is rediculously busy, and awesome. monday i went to open mic night. tues was the civil wars show at the amoeba. wednesday i went to cbu and had lunch with friends, then i went to another civil wars show, made some new hollywood friends, it was wonderful. thursday (today) i went to sushi. tomorrow is bbq night at newport. saturday is beach day, followed by a friend’s bday party. i have work every morning at 8.
8. i enjoy being busy and spending so much time with all of my awesome friends. but i really do need alone time. and quiet time. and devo time. and i mean nap time would be nice too.
9. one of our clients at work is a hotel in costa mesa so last weekend i got to stay there for three days while they shot an ad campaign involving a panther.
Ok.. the moment i am going to write about is the moment that i realized that i need to just be myself and stop caring so much about what other people think.
it was the summer before my senior year of high school. i had gone though an interesting friend-group transition and i was starting to realize how pointless it was to chase after popularity and the “cool group.”
i was going through a drive through with my friend emily and she was blasting hakuna matata from the lion king. and i was mortified. and she pretty much laid the smak down and told me that i was being dumb and who cared what other people thought of us.. we were having fun.
i bet she wouldn’t even remember that moment. it was rather insignificant. but it was really liberating for me.
water polo. but the bummer about that sport is that it’s never something casual. people don’t just play pick up games of water polo. soccer is something you can play in the street all around the world. people will toss around a football. but no one ever casually plays water polo. i miss it.
hiking.or even just going for leisurely walks. with friends or alone. in nature. these are things i like.
Lettuce grows, lettuce grows in neatly sectioned beds and rows but one day asked the gardener to be moved to where the eggplant goes “reason being, i must confess i adore her shining purple dress” as the eggplant listened in she wasn’t offended but she wasn’t impressed the potato called from underground “you’ve got it all turned upside down! does the rain that sent each spring anew to fall on her not fall on you? you project on her your inward scene she’s a blank external movie screen but the One who looks out from your eyes looks through hers and looks through mine.