Grandma

I knew something had to be wrong when i saw that my mom was calling me at 2:13 in the middle of her school day. She was crying and I just knew. As soon as I heard the news My hands started shaking. There was that lump in my throat where I couldn’t swallow and I just wanted to vomit the contents of my stomach. I was able to type out an instant message to my boss letting her know and saying that I’d be taking the rest of the day off. Then what? I felt like I needed to go somewhere or do something but I couldn’t even think. I just sat in my car and cried. Sobbed. Wept. I felt faint. All this emotion was leaving my body but I couldn’t bring anything back in. I needed to breathe but I just couldn’t. I decided to drive to Jacob’s house and honestly that was not a wise decision  I was in no condition to be driving. I slowly drove down the LA freeways which are now a big part of my life and I couldn’t ring myself to accelerate. I’ve never felt faint before. I’ve always thought that “feeling faint” was something out of old literature that prissy girls would say in order to get attention. Well. Now I know that feeling is real. Since then I’ve felt other emotions. But what I’m feeling more that anything is the absence of feelings. A sense of numbness. Kinda like I’m in this haze. But then those moments that I start to feel again, it’s an intense pouring of all sorts of emotions. I don’t know which side I should embrace. I don’t know if I want to be around people or if I need solitude. I don’t know if I’ll be able to sleep tonight or if my tear soaked pillow will be a reminder of the loss I experienced today and will prevent me from getting rest.

October Recap.

Social media is what I do. 8-5. Monday-Firday. 

I miss blogging for myself. This is my quick recap of october so far. 

  • I house sat/baby sat a 19 year old with special needs. hardest thing I have ever done. Ever.
  • I got to see Death Cab for Cutie. 
  • Oktoberfest with the friends for Corinne and Enoch’s birthdays. 
  • I started using Foursquare again. It’s my competitive edge. I want to be the Mayor of everything.
  • I have been taking the train to work for almost two months now. 
  • I have hours and hours of TV stored up on the dvr that I need to catch up on. 
  • I really need to do laundry. 

And the best part of October is still to come. I am going to New York in 9 days! 

I haven’t been on tumblr in such a long time. But here I am. This weekend I went camping at the beach with The Point (young adult group at church). It was such a nice weekend away. Exactly what I needed after such a hard week.  In other news, I am now full time at the Social Method. I have to commute to Tustin everyday which is no fun. But my job is lots of fun. So I suppose it evens out.  School started this past week, and it was strange to not be a part of all the back to school hullabaloo. Maybe someday I will go back to school, but for now I am so content to be done with my formal education. (But I still am learning new things daily, it’s so true that you never stop learning.) Oh and photo credit: here.
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I haven’t been on tumblr in such a long time. But here I am. This weekend I went camping at the beach with The Point (young adult group at church). It was such a nice weekend away. Exactly what I needed after such a hard week. 

In other news, I am now full time at the Social Method. I have to commute to Tustin everyday which is no fun. But my job is lots of fun. So I suppose it evens out. 

School started this past week, and it was strange to not be a part of all the back to school hullabaloo. Maybe someday I will go back to school, but for now I am so content to be done with my formal education. (But I still am learning new things daily, it’s so true that you never stop learning.)

Oh and photo credit: here.